I really have been a bad, bad girl

I cannot believe I haven’t posted or even been around to view other blogs since Jan 23. What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t have a real good answer, to be honest.

To procreate or not:

So today completes the first full week off BCP and we have yet to have sex. Monday and Tuesday CB was “sick”. I put that word in quotes because I suspect he was just wanting to avoid human contact for a couple days. I also suspect some of it has to do with me going off the pill and the fact that if he has penis in vagina contact with me, he may produce a baby. And I believe that scares the shit out of him. As it should, as it does me, too. But I’m so beyond ready. I just cannot wait to be a mommy to my own flesh and blood.

So this first week off of BCP has been OK. I haven’t noticed many changes – if any at all. I think I’ve been more horny than when I was on the pill, but I also think that may all be in my head… it’s only been a week, after all.

I’ve been trying to have sex with CB all week but he’s been ’sick’ or comes to bed so fucking late that there’s no way I’m spreading open my legs and waking up. Sorry if that’s TMI but it is what it is.

I’m really beginning to think this his stall tactic. And I don’t get it. I’ve told him that I haven’t yet ovulated and that the longer he waits to inject me with his juice, the better the chances are that if said juice is fertile it will impregnate me since my temps and CF indicate possibly ovulating soon. I’ve also told him that I’m OK with him using condoms if he doesn’t want me to be with child just yet; I just want to have sex already!

My brother’s an ass:

I talked to Daddio last night to make sure he’s OK with the drastic changes in weather we’ve had all week (sub zero temps to tons of snow and ice, etc). We talked for a bit and he told me that he’s heard that Jordan isn’t in school and that he’s on probation for breaking into cars. Huh? This is all news to me. I asked where he heard this from and he told me he heard from Brother, Jordan’s dad.

“That’s nice,” I said. “He can call the stupid police department but he can’t call his own son? Maybe if he called Jordan once in a blue moon, Jordan wouldn’t be doing stupid stuff to get his attention!”

I’m so completely over my brother it’s not even funny.

I assured Daddio that Jordan was going to school – it just isn’t the regular high school. And I assured Daddio that Jordan was not breaking into cars. Of course Daddio doesn’t believe me but here’s the thing: Daddio and dear old fuckface Brother don’t know anything.

Jordan’s on probation for a stupid fight he got into at school which resulted in his expulsion and moving to a behavioral high school. He’s also on probation for being a minor and being caught drunk. Therefore if he was caught by the police for breaking into someone’s car, he would be in Juvie right now.

See Jordan and I have talked a lot over the past several months. He’s, once again, trusting me with things. And I will not lose that trust again – especially since his father is an ignorant fuck who only cares about money and is waiting to hear that Jordan’s not going to school so he could cease the pathetic child support he sends. See Jordan already told me that the police have questioned him and that they’re keeping their eye on him because he hangs around with kids who break into cars. This all went down at the end of summer and the school/drinking probation thing just occurred three weeks ago. Therefore, if Jordan was caught breaking into a car recently, he’d be in Juvie.

But I didn’t tell that to Daddio because he would tell Brother and if neither one of them can call this kid and talk to him themselves, then I’m done being the supplier of information. Fuck that and fuck them.

My grandfather:

My dearly departed grandfather would’ve been 93 today. God do I miss him immensely. I swear that things with our family all went to shit after he passed. That’s not necessarily why I miss him so much though. It’s his smile, his strength, his stories that I miss the most. It’s him who I miss.

I actually dreamed about him last night, coincidentally. We were all at a family gathering and I was saying goodbye. I leaned up on my tiptoes to kiss him and he kissed me but looked at me very sternly. I looked at him and he continued to look at me sternly. Not even a hint of a smile on his face.

That part of the dream saddened me. My grandfather always had such a huge smile on his face and so much love in his hugs. And in that dream we didn’t hug and there was no smile.

Is he upset with me for something?

I realize it was just a dream but the fact that it happened the night of his birthday makes me believe he really was trying to tell me something…