Everything

I decided to renew another month’s worth of the Pill.  That’s big news in my world because forever now I’ve been saying that come January 1 of 2008, I’m going off the pill.  I so badly want to become a mommy.

But… it’s not my time yet.  I don’t think, at least.

I’m not waiting for the perfect moment or anything, because that just does not exist.  It’s more than that.  I’ve spent the latter half of my life watching everyone else’s kids grow.  And there’s things I want for my own. 

One thing is space.

Currently we live in a small 2-bedroom apartment.  Yes there are two bedrooms, but it’s a small place.  There’s a kitchen of decent size, but nowhere to sit.  There’s a bathroom.  There’s a living room with an L-shaped couch, TV, and coffee table but that’s all that will fit in there.  There’s the two bedrooms – one with our bed and a dresser and CB’s clothes strewed about and one with 2 desks and 2 computers and cat stuff.  That’s it.  There’s no room for much of anything else.  We try to dispose of unwanted items right away; we try not to hang onto a lot of stuff to avoid too much clutter.  But there’s no room for anyone other than CB and I.  Sure a baby doesn’t take up much room, but her stuff does.  Hell, we can’t even have anyone over because of lack of room.

But, where there’s a will there’s a way and I’m sure if push come to shove, we could make the space we do have work – as long as it’s clean, warm, and dry, that’s all that really matters.

Another thing – probably the biggest *thing* making me want to wait - is the money thing.  Combined, our income is pretty good; we aren’t left to want much of anything.  But add a baby to the mix and then what?  We would be fine but *only* if I continued working, because on one income, it just wouldn’t cut it.  Yes, if we had to do it, we could; but it’s not what we want.  It’s not what I want.

I don’t want to *have* to work full-time.  Yes, tons of people do it and they make it work.  I get that and if it that’s the way it has to be then so be it… but I’d like to figure out another way.  I’ve waited a long time to be a mommy and I want to cherish every moment I can with my child and working full-time away from the home takes away a lot of time away from child.

And where does baby go if we’re both working FT away from the home? We don’t have the luxury of having independantly wealthy family or friends in close proximity that would be able to care for our child while we work.   That means that we’d have to put baby in daycare, in the hands of people we’re not familiar with to, in essence, raise our child.  So, not only would we not be raising our child the way *we* want, we’d be paying someone else to do it for us.

No thanks! 

I’m all for exposing a child to a pre-school type of environment once he is 3 or so, but I do not want my child raised in a daycare with 20 other children, with no real one-on-one involvement, from the time they are just a couple months old!  And hiring a Nanny for more individual care is an even more added expense. 

Space and finances aside, my last *big* concern is… Time.  It seems to escape so fast.  There never seems to be enough of it.  We’re always doing something and can’t seem to get enough time together alone.  If we add a baby to the mix, all our time will be spent focused on her.  That’s the way it’s supposed to be.  That’s the way I want it to be.  But I also want time with my husband, too and I’m terrified that there won’t be enough time – especially if we’re both working full time – for each other if we add a baby to the mix.

I know we have what it takes to be wonderful, loving, nourishing parents.  I have no doubts about this.  I just want to make sure we can do it the best way possible.

I’ve spent so much time witnessing other people ‘raise’ their kids.  I’ve seen it all – from SAH moms to working moms, from 2 parent households to single parent households, from child living with dad to child living with mom, from wealthy parents to poor parents.

Love is what matters the most.  Love and protection and guidance and nourishment.  It’s not about money and the things my child will have.  It’s not about the different rooms they will have to explore.  It’s about us being as comfortable as we can be in our skin as husband and wife to welcome the challenge of being even more comfortable as Mom and Dad.

This isn’t a new car we’re thinking of buying.  It’s a human life.  A gift given to us to give to the world.

So at least one more month of the Pill.

… … …

I don’t know… I’m probably just scared.  Normally I’m one that thrives on changes and actually encourage change, but maybe this one is a little daunting. 

I just don’t want to fuck it up is all.  And I want to be able to be there. For everything.  That’s what she’ll be, after all. Everything.  So why not be able to experience it all with her?